anyone who buys me chipotle gets an automatic hj
You totally narrated your dogs thoughts for 2 and a half hours last night, and I was enthralled. I didn't say one word, I just listened.
You should have seen her outfit yesterday. It was like pretty woman before Richard Gere gave her money to buy a new outfit.
Why am I drunk on a roof painting at 11 in the morning
Dude its 315 and I'm sitting here eating slices of cheese. Don't talk to me about tomorrow.
I just bought 4 bottles of wine in sweats at 530 on a monday night. Fuck law school
Just hit him with your car. I can guarantee he won't do it again.
The woman at the bus stop told me i smell delicious and asked if i wear cotton then proceeded to tell me about her shellfish allergy
He showed me one of his balls and said "this one's free. you'll have to work to see the other.."
Hey, you remember years ago when you told me you would give me a kidney?
I'm surprised I didn't lose anything last night. Except maybe my dignity but other than that we gucci.
He said he doesnt believe in the female orgasm,so no I did not have sex with him.
I just want a simple guy who likes cats, tattoos, and doing coke off my tits.
Swear to god, somebody just drove by with mickey mouse in their passenger seat and he waved at me.
Oh don't mind my cushion, I got plowed in the ass by a freight train last night
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