Just stepped in shit. Not sure if its mine or the dog's. Get some of our friends on the way back from work and just have the intervention now. I will totally understand.
An accidental pregnancy to a guy with a trustfund is no mistake. It is a gift from god.
Considering showing up at your house with coronas. I'll be wearing a sombrero and that's it.
Party city is having a sale on maracas
Pack light, we're going straight to bar from the train. No place to put our shit.
Dude all I'm bringing is my dick and a phone charger.
He said I act like a cross between a kindergartener and a high 70 year old man. Which is inacurate because it fails to account for the disco obsession.
dude girls our age are getting married and having babies and I still can't figure out how to defrost my hotpockets
When you get shitfaced you find strippers when I get shitfaced I speak to woodland creatures, do you see the dilema?
If u ever apologize to me for "too-rough" sex again I will suspend ur all-access pass to my vagina indefinitely
my only goal for the semester is never go to my wednesday class sober
Just told my roommate about "analvice" and she is horrified and the Sound of Music is ruined.
Is someone on their way here yet? I'm way too tweaked to be here alone
How I know I would be an awful mother....I just stirred the bong up with a baby fork. A literal baby fork....
you went over there?
His drunk texts were grammatically perfect. At least our kids will be smart.
Bachelorette party buss just rolled into down town. DTF, "horny hotties inside" and "show us your dicks" written on the windows....this could get interesting.
I just realized u compared me to a coconut
Randomize
