Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
I just overhead some girl saying that she's trying out for the real world so she has a backup if she doesn't get into teach for america...
definitely just fell out of bed trying to plug in my phone. when did laziness start getting painful?
it's too soon in the relationship to think about him when i masturbate. so i think about his dad instead.
Ive consumed more rum studying for law school finals than I did that time I fucked that fat chick in the back of VW Beetle. It's all ugly, but for different reasons.
High school girls are buying me shots. This will not end well.
Did you know that scruff feels epic on boobs especially when they are covered in whip cream?
Rosemary is literally sitting on the ground holding on to the rug because she thinks she is going to fall if she lets go. We smoked way too much.
Maybe we could get a groupon for vasectomy. I'm game.
The cougar has a calendar on her wall of when she can give topless handjobs again. I pity her husband.
N I'm drinking this invention I call "do-it-fluid" I had a bottle of vodka that was 3/4th empty, so I put in 1/4th rum, 1/4th tequila, 1/4th whisky... it's definitely the worst idea ever..
Just wanted to say, I appreciate your bravery in having read receipts
As a courtesy going forward if you could not bang in my house that would be nice
I don't want to be flamboyant (says the guy who bought a hot pink suit to be a flamingo for Halloween)--but I don't mind being a little extra.
Can’t. Tonight’s a netflix and dick night
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