I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
direct quote: "i'm so over my clit" either best or most awkward conversation possible with your COUSIN
Thank God for cruise control and the Starbucks cup I had to puke in.
I just peed in the Schreyer honors college shrubbery. Thanks honors students, you're finally good for something
He talks to me in this sweet I know you might be pregnant voice.
I am thinkingif I am doing snow Angels in your living room, I probably had too much to drink
she asked how her costume looked and all i could say was bars are dark right?
your love of good penises attached to ugly faces is disgusting and slightly disturbing.
that's just what you get for learning massage techniques from gay porn
So I'm at that stage in my life where I am stalking my stalker just to get laid
I'm just gonna use that pot butter as dip for chips. That's fat, American AND stoner!
Roomie questionaires don't ask any of the important questions like "how do you feel about one night stands" and "will you judge me post-walk of shame"
I feel so bad for your roommate
The next time we go out, we're bringing a jar so that people can contribute to the rest of what I need to come up with for my breast implants... We'll show them yours for inspiration and persuasion.
"fuck it, let's do moonshine" shouldn't be in ANYONE'S vocabulary.
My autocorrect won't finish pterodactyl for me and I'm feeling personally attacked.
Randomize
