Wow so 15 missed calls, a vm AND a text saying come downstairs? ...And where is downstairs? Explain.
got weed?
I'm really tired of you accidentally texting me when your doing illegal things. I'm taking away your phone.
sorry mom...
ejected that DVD during the department meeting.. it was our porn from last night. I have a new nick-name at work.
Also, I once came to the conclusion after this one boy, that her pleasure condoms are a college boys version of flowers
he swears he got herpes from a bowl of soup
U owe me five dollars for that paper towel you bet i wouldnt eat last night
she chugged a bowl of salsa and then gave my ferret weight loss tips. she's like my fucking spirit animal now
He screamed AMERICA, took a shot of vodka out of a Tupperware container, and then asked if he could see my tits
I can't believe you're asking me to think of a sincere, creative way to apologize to your penis at 2 am.
My new year's resolution was to squirt this year. I only have four months left. Help.
She seriously left me for a guy that likes his own statuses on facebook.....
no, I didn't go in the end. Too hungover and hot, plus Star Wars is on so obviously I'm having a naked day.
Nothing says I'm committed to you for all eternity like letting him wear crocs to the wedding
Pennsylvania now holds the distinct honor of being the third state I've crapped my pants in.
God damn you Coronavirus! I'm jonesing I got the itch. I would fully satisfy a horse for some Taco Bell or Perkins. God help me I'm going insane but I definitely don't want to get sick.
Randomize
