I either just heard my neighbors having sex or she really agreed with whatever he was talking about.
I love seeing the creepers that friend request me outside of facebook. its like seeing a unicorn in the middle of campus.
You came in at two thirty, wearing your underwear and a tie then asked where you could find a sombrero and a pair of stilletos that would fit your men's size thirteen feet.
How dare you send me a picture after midnight that isn't porn. You know the rules.
Have you ever wondered what your stripper song would be?
I'm concerned you might be passed out on a random rooftop right now. Not concerned enough to do anything about it. Hope you're alive. Goodnight.
Just finished putting caution tape around the tv. Sober me needs to prepare.
You destroyed the landscape if my vagina FOREVER.
at the hospital. the stripper fell on his face when she was trying to grab the dollar bill out of his mouth with her ass. broken nose for sure.
Dude you're alone at a bar with a woman, and you're talking about my junk?
I found a fingernail in my vagina. A fingernail.
At least I'm doing lines with a notecard. That counts for something right
Due to your tardiness, I'm saving you my tab
Right now I'm in a club where they are passing out glow in the dark dildos by the dozen. I don't think my life will ever get weirder than it is at this moment.
Times have changed. Freshman year I could throw my shirt in a bonfire and still get laid. Now when I puke in my girlfriend's bed on her birthday I'm "an asshole"
Randomize
