P.S. theres no milk for breakfast, but theres plenty of beer or red wine. you decide.
she complimented my bra when we were hooking up. this lesbian thing has its upsides
I couldn't walk, so he carried me all the way home; and then I told him that I wasn't drunk enough to fuck him. Poor kid.
I love watching the kids I sold drugs to score touchdowns
She nearly killed the mood when she said "Don't cum on my spray tan"
while we were making out your friend starting kissing my toes and all you had to say was "just go with it"
I don't appreciate the fact that you tagged me as a giant bucket Miracle Whip.
Let's play, "guess how long my Neighbours have been watching me dance naked".
I bought everclear. Bring your party pants and some addies
You're not gonna punch me in the face again are you?
There just aren't enough words in the English language to convey my deep and abiding love of your cock. So I am beefing up on my Portuguese.
My wife ladies and gentlemen! Love ya babe.
You should hear the lecture my mom just gave me about cooking pizzas when im drunk because "I could have died".
Her shirt said pass joints, not judgement. You're surprised she stole your wallet after?
not sure if destroying him emotionally was worth it but damn it's a fucking hilarious story
I feel like my toilet water looks different when outsiders use my bathroom...
Are you high right now?
HOW DID YOU KNOW!
Apparently when you start crushing adderall and blending them into your margaritas calling them blenderalls you have "a problem" WTF
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