We walk out of his house and his dad is there, so I had to meet him and shake his hand pretending that same hand hadn't been down his son's pants five minutes earlier
Bring your kids so they can distract our kids so we can drink beer in peace.
Our cab driver just admitted to beating up kids in the 60's who didn't smoke pot...
he rolled over in his sleep, called me a hoe and then grabbed my crotch. some things never change, asleep or not.
how many past hook-ups can i invite to go bar hopping with me for my b-day before it becomes a bad idea?
I totally accidentally said "we don't go around hammering girls in the rear" in front of 132 5th graders today.
You want a summary? Scottish women that start drinking at 7 am. Cherries soaked in moonshine. Japanese beer. Old men smoking stuff that I'm pretty sure is illegal here and in Japan. One is doing a karaoke striptease. There's your summary.
Haha he was not a poor little guy. If he'd talked to me or something I might feel bad. But since I saw him groping other girls as well as myself there's no sympathy coming from me
He's just picking out the right girl. I do the same thing with fruit. Grope them, squeeze them, smell them. I have to know I'm getting quality fruit.
HELP! How do I get paint off the dog?
I JUST WANTED TO GET SOME MOTHER FUCKING TACOS I AM SINGLE AS FUCK TACOS BRING PREOPLE TOGETHER OKAY
You shouldn't play strip poker when you're having a wet fart kind of day.
Did you get your nipples pierced? I felt something poking through my shirt earlier and I really didn't want to say anything in front of your grandma...
Just keep me informed about your plans. That way i can figure out places to go and if i need to shave my balls
They were out of watermelon smirnoff, so we got you a fifth of 5 o'clock and an actual watermelon.
so all I remember is hig-fiving the cop and then sprinting away. considering I'm not in jail, I count that as a win.
Randomize
