is there a legit reason for the weird voicemail I got at 2:14am?all I could make out was 'help me' 'two hours' and 'toilet butt'. wtf did u drink.
After some trial and error I found soaking my balls in maple syurip helps ease the pain.
Just spent the equivalent of my life savings in the liquor store. This is going to be a good weekend
There's nothing like telling your girl to hold your pants while peeing on your neighbors door
I thought he was being really sweet and protective when he pulled me away from the guy i was hooking up with, but turns out he just wanted me to get chicken nuggets with him...
Seriously? We dated for 2 weeks. TWO. And I've crushed his soul and put out the light in his dark world? What the actual fuck.
Yeah, well. That's what you get for dating a musician.
I love you. We're gonna celebrate your 21st by putting people in duct tape bikinis and pushing them down tequila slip and slides
In case you were wondering, yes I did just watch the Katy Perry movie alone on a Saturday night. I'm so alone it makes a noise.
My homemade mace ate through its aluminum container. I make awesome mace.
I am just glad I was home to catch most of it, cause it smells BAD.
I'm not a scientist but that could be because it's homemade mace. That is however just a hypothesis
somebody should make me the poster child for not drinking everclear..
i'm not drunk or reckless enough to have you track my every fucking move. I AM AN ADULT
You both snapchatted me that. Like, I just got a double dose of penis pastry.
He walked in on me masturbating and on my phone but got mad because I wasn't watching porn just tweeting
But you''re still having sex with him. And a hobo convinced you to.
If it were up to me his wife would never get his penis again, but I guess they have some sort of arrangement
Yes, an arrangement called marriage
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