I woke up at 11 this morning in my car parked in front of the bar.
I know, I tried to wake you up, but I couldnt. So I walked home
Grow some girl-balls and come out already
I think I gave almost everyone at that party the clap last night
So i banged this chick from Peru last night. Needless to say, I'm having chipotle for lunch todayas a south American reward to honor her.
and he said i stripped him down, hand cuffed him to his bed post, and tickled his arm pits, and then continued to watch The Hangover.
How could you not be happy? Its like "and then I found 5 dollars" but "and then I found a handle of vodka"
All i've done since I got back to my room today is take a three hour nap. Like, I even planned to change my pants and haven't even done that yet.
I hope he didn't notice that my shirt was inside out when I told him I didn't have sex with the guy. Kind of a dead giveaway.
bro, sorry for: trying to put you on fire yesterday, telling the bouncer that it was you that broke the bottles, and to have slept with your sister.
He equated my biology degree to a belief in Santa. I wonder if he heard the doors to my vagina clanging shut.
Well it's like a wise man once told me: "If you're going to shave your balls, don't do it hungover."
But really- as the voice of your vagina I am BEGGING you to do it. If not for yourself than for your poor innocent puss
I'm so poor. I just wiped my ass with cocktail napkins... That I stole from the neighbors... When I was over there stealing Cheetos.
I was his one phone call from jail and I hung up on him. He's fine though were gonna go to a party now.
whatever, tonight I’ll be getting my ass eaten by an aussie so we good
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