dude my little brother busts into my room last night and yells did you know that grandma is hiding scrambled eggs between her legs
I would have been "that girl" at the party last night if it wasn't for that girl who puked in the potted plant...
My vagina hasn't been this smooth since I was 8. I better get laid tonight.
bitch got booty called while we were making out. and then she actually left.
running the faucet water is not hiding the sound of you vomiting. fyi.
Its so fun. We're having a music war with the boat next to us. They have strippers.
Fixing to yell "you're too hot for her" at a Gerard butler look alike. There is absolutely no way this is going to end well...
David pulled a magic mike again and started stripping on every street sign we passed.
I just realized that every possible way I walk to campus I walk by the house of someone I slept with
But for real though. That weed tastes like the jolly laughter of Santa Claus.
Why do I have "apologize to Dave Coulier" written on my hand?
He hand fed me trail mix then I watched the video of me the next morning. He was actually feeding me meow mix.....that drunk. I still have no regrets marrying him
Sober sex is weird like I didn't expect this when I got clean
he broke off the kiss to ask "can I grab your boob?" like props for asking for clear and concise consent but there HAS to be a sexier way to do it
He's a security blanket. A security blanket who FUCKS.
Randomize
