Dude dan is so baked he taped his remote to the futon so he couldn't lose it again. Come over here
I've got 15 minutes to eat dinner and drink a 40. Four years of college has all been training for this moment.
I will now attempt to shave my public hair into a Christmas tree.
Housekeeping just called to see if we were okay bc they came in the room earlier and we didn't move.
Too drunk to talk to museum staff. So much for proper wednesdays
Itd be like fucking a waterbed thats been locked in a barn for two years.
Where in the FUCK do you get your analogies
Well I sent him a pic of my vagina and sent back a pic of his puppy....so there's that
If a handjob meant commitment I would literally touch zero dicks
Tell me how you feel about belly buttons
Got to work this morning and thought... Did I really dance on that pole last night
How the fuck do you get a noise complaint filed against you at 9:30am on a fucking Tuesday?
But really, someone with a penis give me attention before I start posting nudes on Instagram.
Okay, I just reached peak living alone
I ate a piece of chocolate cake while jerking off
As a home can we vote to stab Peter?
my friends roomated asked me this morning if we went to mcdonalds last night and i had no idea...that is until i checked my purse and found half a mcdouble in it...
Randomize
