did you hook up austin?
No! he threw up in my bathroom, made me wake up and order him jimmy johns, beat my roommate with a macaroni and cheese box, and then passed out with her in her bed
someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
i'm pissing behind 7/11. if you guys leave... i'll think it's funny too
MTV running anti-sexting commercials is a slap in the face to everything our generation has accomplished.
I had to go to the front counter of the restaurant and ask for the key because I was "pretty sure my friend is passed out in the bathroom right now"
just saw a midget ride a motorized cooler into the liquor store. i'm gonna follow him home.
I woke up and we were making out. So the good news is that after two years off the market, I haven't lost a step. I'm picking up girls in my sleep now.
I lull them into a false sense of security with my gayness. Then when they're vulnerable, I strike, like a snake. A big non-gay snake, with huge balls.
Regardless of your intentions, deep throating a Twinkie is NOT sexy. You owe that poor cashier an apology the next time you pump gas.
so the kid in line in front of me at walmart just bought roses and a Plan B pill. Happy Valentines Day.
Knowing how to carefully mix my vices has to be the #1 skill I've gotten from pharmacy school
I think I'm just gonna exercise my lungs and fingers. With bong hits and crochet. BECAUSE I AM A REAPONSIBLE ADULT DAMMIT!!
Just got invited to a tree party by some random chicks. They're literally just sitting up in a tree with a handle of rum and a box of goldfish crackers and yelled at me as I was walking by...
So...I was fapping and during it, I got an Amber Alert notification...that's just bad timing.
I've got two reasons for you to come over later and one of them is pierced.
Randomize
