Tonight was fucked up. First my mom called me and told me I had to go to the bar to pick up my dad 'cause he was drunk. Then when I got there my dad was doing a body shot from this lady who happened to be my 1st grade teacher. By far the most awkward car ride home. Idk if I should tell my mom or not.
You wouldn't stop crying and screaming Hilary Duff doesn't deserve Gossip Girl
I was working er so they smashed a vodka bottle over dan's head so they'd have an excuse to visit
You threw a hot dog at his face...I wouldn't call you either.
She saves ONE person's life while blacked out and now she's positive anything can be done "while fucking hammered"
Girl we've come a long way since our first Brazilian wax
I had a 10 minute conversation with the refrigerator, it was telling me how it likes to be opened and closed. Ecstasy, I love you.
No matter how drunk I am or how drunk I'll ever be I love you
Hot dogs and hydrocodine is NOT the combo of champions
Turns out the creepy dude who bought us tequila shots was the friend of a friend who then got us a table and several large bottles of champagne.
Never judge a man by his mustache.
He won't leave and I need to take a shit and vomit, quite possibly at the same time.
I think you handled your pregnancy scares better than that cricket in your bathroom
So I sent him a snap of me half naked holding a pie last night.
This feels more like a conference of all the people I've fucked in the past year.
I'M TOO HORNY FOR GRAMMAR!!!
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