how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
any interest in drunk sledding later? if not, any interest in driving me to the hospital later?
apparently it isn't appropriate to tell a coworker who is eating celery because it's "negative calories" that a blowjob is too
I just compared drinking to love. How do these people not know I'm an alcoholic?
Exactly. So you're exempt under the "I can't just fuck her to make it go away" clause of 2010.
We won 11 games of beer pong, and then I spent a half hour trying to get into the top bunk. Then i realized it was a cabinet in the bathroom
This family outing has commenced with me throwing up in an apple orchard
Btw, do you want me to fix this with a box of wine and a chick flick or is this more of a 'lets head to the strip club' problem? I'm just trying to analyze the emotional depth of the situation.
WHY ARE THERE NO BLACK EMOJIS? I CAN NEVER PROPERLY IDENTIFY MYSELF.
To be fair, I'm probably one of the better candidates for the role of 'baby daddy' in this town
Love these next 4 months. Wake up from a college football hangover and get to put your hand down your pants and watch NFL football all day.
We had a moment of silence for all of the orgasms he gave me with his beard before he shaved it off.
do you think there's enough of the fabric you gave me to make a crop top for a cat?
I AM A SEXUAL NIGHTMARE
Don't drag this out. All I need to know is if I have to put pants on or not.
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