im starting to measure my showers by the number of beers i drink while im in there.
you never know, standards drop, they turn gay, shit happens.
I think I just met the technical qualifications for binge drinking in five minutes
I'm crawling around naked in my room looking for my hairbrush. Just thought I'd put that image in your head.
he stopped talking to me after i tried to use his body as a surf board
I was all over the place but at every locale you would pop out of nowhere and hand me a huge drink and say "HAMMERED"
I am the fairy godmother of the drink.
My new best friend is the drag queen who works at mcdonalds and doesnt judge me during my walk of shame coffee break
Your smile makes me feel like I'm frolicking through a field of gummy bears.
And then he dove into my vagina like scrooge mcduck into a room of gold
She just sent me a message. It's a poem, about eternal love, that she wrote, about us. Just because I took her home two nights - doesn't mean it's eternal love.
I just wrote the Drag Queen from Saturday Night on FB and apologized for licking her. Weirdest thing I have ever typed...
I don't know if I'm more excited about getting chipotle or about getting laid
The notary thing was a good idea. I can charge $2 per signature. I'm currently being paid in beer.
I woke up the whole house screaming I need my shorts they found me in the kitchen with a bag of strawberries naked
Do you think he will let me wear my neck fan while he throws my back out?
Please shut the fuck up.
Randomize
