hotel room ftw
Dude its barely eleven am and there is already a firetruck and ambulance at the shamrock...happy st paddys day
Her boyfriend only talks to me because I know her period schedule
Now he's trying to use the tornado warnings as an excuse to get head. Yeah, b/c THAT'S the last taste I want in my mouth b4 I die...
And leave it to John to ask the cabby to make a Porno in his cab
If i ever have a kid with an outie i'm giving it up for adoption
Chasing shots with sriracha-covered mini toast was, in retrospect, not the best idea.
Say hello to your nephew Sir Isaac Meriwether van Catsworth
I'm going to have to start taking your phone after ten. That's when all the cat pictures come
We are stranded. Come find us. Bring an egg
Honestly, if you can handle putting socks on you can handle a condom.
I woke up naked with a $20 bill taped to my titty, so I must of had fun.
WAKE THE EFF UP THE UBER DRIVER IS TRYING TO TAKE ME HOME
Feel weird saying this on Facebook, but a dildo collecting demigod sounds like somebody I'd at least hang with for a minute.
The man at the checkout said "Somebody's not fucking around".
It's gonna be a good night
I just feel weird about accepting their wedding invite when I've got a post-engagement video on my phone of him jacking off in my bathroom.
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