Most awkward thing ever: Meeting your BattleShits opponent post war.
We are like the golden girls with less cheesecake and more drugs.
I told him that he is like a snow storm I never know when he is coming, how many inches I will get, or how long it will last
Fun fact: Antibacterial soap will not take the combined smell of bbq sauce and vagina off your hands.
it was a 10 min screaming orgasm. i don't care that you were next door and didn't appreciate all the noise.
omg he fucking fingered me this morning. and i was just like this is the most awkward alarm clock ive ever had
Where are you, who is in my bed, why is he wearing a spandex onesie as underwear, how did i get teethmarks on my forehead, what are we doing tonight?
We're watching a video in class about cheese. The scoring for it sounds like that of a Lifetime movie. My mind is creative. I've continued my own story in my head of a wheel of cheese that was raped and murdered. It's so sad. I hope they get the guy. Btw, the video is about marketing.
you stumbled up the stairs in your heels, pulled 23 one-dollar bills out of your bra and then went and puked in the toilet. didnt say a single thing to me the whole time
Me ending up in the fetal position in my shower is becoming far too commonplace. It's like a weekly therapy session
My mom just walked in and she was like "Who ate all of the cheese?" and all I could think of was you trying to become a human taco
I have 39 hot sauces from Chipotle
It's like earning obesity badges
When you put my balls in your mouth i just want to buy you expensive gifts...you know what i mean?
On the flip side Weston asked if he could move me to Wisconsin to be his "moto hoe" which is actually a thing apparently
High school drama coach is wasted and wanted me to tell you that I’m good at flip cup and you should be very proud of me
Where the hell are you
Randomize
