cannot fit in my clothes. too depressed to drink.
if you drink enough to puke, it's like a weight loss plan.
We made a drinking game out of poaching eggs. When did our life turn into a really awesome version of Top Chef?
Maybe my heart is located in my vagina
His idea of a compliment is: 'you're cuter than your friend. If you both wanted a 3way I'd do it,but I'd pay more attention to you.'
I can't believe i facilitated a beer for sweater vest deal last night...
Yeah, well I just made $600 while taking a shut cause two diff clients called while I was in here. Tell me being a lawyer doesn't kick ass.
I feel miserable and there's nutella all over my phone
I feel like that needs to be the last time i end a text with "fuck them i love tequila".
I'm a bit broke right now... Would it be OK if I pay you in champagne and Xanax?
We were on a plane, I couldn't just grab his dick
I'm going to bed early so football can come sooner
Your roommates will be treating you to many anecdotes about my intentions to have aggressive sex with you. I'm sorry in advance.
I just bought a blender and 120 pizza rolls. Bring tequila.
there's crying, and people are upset, and there's a love triangle, and a broken heart, and so much estrogen
Literally just took 6 shots in the shower..I’ve got this.
Randomize
