I think I found my soulmate. This guy in front of me is yelling about getting laid while holding two beers and texting. I think this is love.
bitch so ugly she owes me an erection
Last night must have been awesome, my dog still smells like vomit.
Rolling one last joint on my Psych textbook before trading it in. I might actually cry.
Now that I've lowered my makeout age to 21 I have a whole new sea to fish in.
and yes i will spend 10 dollars on a vibrating toothbrush to masturbate but not a calculator for my test
I always have trouble explaining my life decisions to people over the age of 30.
The owner of this phone is no longer accepting texts from liars, assholes or married men. You figure out which one applies.
You know the cave of wonders in Aladdin? That's how I feel about his apartment. Except with blow and other treasures.
I just woke up on an unfamiliar floor, my shoes are gone, my suits covered in red lipstick and chocolate, and Im wearing sunglasses that say "Maid of Honor".God damnit I love this country.
I plan on blacking out and milking a cow
Testing the emergency boobs hotline
I had to replace her wine with red vitamin water. So if she’s alive, you can thank me
He's asking how tall I am he wants to make a body suit out of me
You know that tattoo place next to Dallas? The naked sexy frog on my neck is proof that their "won't tattoo if drunk" sign is bullshit!
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