My eyes are so dilated i literally have night vision right now.
i just peed out my two story window using my cell phone as a flashlight . hope the neighbors didnt see
You don't even know the meaning of faking an orgasm until you sleep with an uncircumcised ginger.
It took me 6months to figure out that he only had one testicle.
Apperanlty I was screaming "It's hard to swim with a broken ankle sir" and then tackled the lifeguard. The joys of blackouts
Woke up this morning in a randoms bed clutching an airplane ticket. God I hope I'm still in the country
They told you that you couldn't fit in the dryer. Man, did they eat their words. You did brake the door though.
A guy in the dance floor is raising the roof with an axe in hand. I love Halloween.
Spotify knows me way to well. You mention swinger club and guess what it shuffles to? Danger Zone by Kenny Loggins
I understand why animals eat their young in the wild after watching your kid this afternoon
"We hooked up and in the morning he emailed me his mix tape"
During my first week as an adjunct prof, I played a fiercely fought game of squash with a law student and we wound up having hot, sweaty, angry sex right on the floor of the court. She is either the best or worst thing to happen to my academic career. Will let you know.
Dude. I’m playing chess through iMessage with a stripper. What has my life become.
I'm in the liquor store and fucking "Wannabe" by the Spice Girls is playing. IM ALREADY ASHAMED OF MY REASON FOR BEING HERE, GIVE ME A BREAK.
Highlight your past hook-ups. You've been stabbed, shot at, run over, and chased down the road...no you can't bring new bar bitch over here!
Dude she has a friend!!!!
Randomize
