Oh and then this old man who saw it happen goes "don't do that"
Hahaha what a helpful old man. Like you thought it was normal to be spilling gas everywhere.
How do you tell if you're on the terrorist watch list?
My fave moment of today was you sitting in a hot pink innertube puking into the ocean in front of a lot of children. i would have held your hair back but the ocean did it for you.
how are you not completely traumatized after 8 years of friendship with me?
I am now the only person in my apartment who hasn't had sex in my bed.
She just spat tequila at me... Like a fountain... A broken fountain
Well, during the ride home I had to personally apologize to both of her breasts.
Ted is on HBO in 20 minutes...not sure if this or the drunken dance party I had at the bar to a N*SYNC Christmas song 20 minutes ago is the highlight of my week so far.
But lunch with my dad really just means an hour and a half of him telling me how he's disappointed and how he knows I'm on drugs
You leaned over to me in the elevator and whispered "how long do I have to pretend to be sober?"
You'd be proud. Took my birth control today at 12:30 with a Budweiser. Guy across the bar saw and held his bottle up to salute me 😂
Can you leave her a note saying "did you enjoy watching me fuck your roommate?"
I will.
Thanks to you I can't show my boobs tomorrow for the interview.
You came in wearing a whipped cream bikini what did you think would happen
No way man ... This is real life. Complete sentences and everything.
Slept with a member of the band last night, found out today after extensive stalking he’s engaged. Pro tip: don’t research one night stands.
Randomize
