rainy day on campus = new personal fetish for girls in booty shorts and colorful rain boots
Apparently on the way out of the ER i asked the nurse to doggie-bag me some more morphine.
the majority of my texts from you are at 3 AM & consist of either "I'm drunk", "you're asian", or "bratwurst"
I just saw a girl licking a cheeseburger wrapper. dont ever let me get that fat
You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
My broken door handle makes it really inconvient for when i need to puke at red lights.
I need someone to meet me at the end of the road and throw captain morgan at my face like they do with water at marathons
We're trying to decide between cracker barrel an the ER
I just passed a drug test. I want to shout that from the top of a mountain. Can we have beers on the top of a mountain?
SHUT UP I CAN'T HEAR YOU OVER THE SOUND OF UKULELE AND LONLINESS
I can't tell if I have the Pizza Hut shits or beer shits
So as a result of a tragic manscaping accident I've had to shave all the hair off of my legs. The result is... not great
Dude so help me god I WILL weigh a penis one day
My neck feel like I've been sucking Goliath's dick.
I got drunk. Then I took a shit.
It was a good shit
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