My secretary told me she wishes she can have an affair with someone in the office (she's separated from her cheating husband)...Umm...Okaaay
My Dad named our wireless network after my dead grandma. I refuse to look up porn on my dead grandma...
she was trying to give me a handjob in biology class while we were learning about the penis.
anyone who has a picture of a ferrari with the caption "mAh DreAM caR" is getting denied as my facebook friend.
I ended up giving him head, i think it was mostly a defensive move so that he wouldn't discover i was wearing those onesy spanx
His tongue was like Jesus himself was blessing my boobs for eternal ecstasy.
I'm not so sure Jesus approves of such activities, but ok.
I respect the size of her balls.
Yeah but I don't respect the size of her anything else.
You were running around yelling "BUKAKE!" and squirting people with a shampoo bottle you found. Total shitshow.
He just showed me how to break a chop stick with his ass.
I'd rather take 10 virginities than catch something. Right now I should be good, I mean the sex with Jake was so bad he can't possibly have an std
Okay we're getting vodka and coming
Okay. Joe has my machete attached to his belt
He woke me up at 5am to recite nursery rhymes to our fictitious unborn child.
Peanut butter fills the cracks of my heart
We just broke up and deleting his dick pics is the hardest thing I've ever had to do.
he rolled over in the morning and told me happy valentines day. i don't even know his first name.
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