last night some bitch put bruce along with his entire fishbowl in her purse and tried to leave. how drunk do you have to be to steal someone's pet??
If I have to go to the hospital can we stop by the liquor store on the way?
sticking your hands in the toilet to wash your face is not acceptable. ever. i don't care how drunk you are.
You are the only one who would stop a bum, tell him to open up, then pour straight vodka in his mouth. You made his year.
I make your heart skip a beat like that pivotal moment when you open a public toilet lid
I couldn't get past the raccoon on my porch so i slept on my lawn.
This place smells like bottom shelf liquor and broken dreams
We learned many a lesson today about drug use in canoes
That moment when I wear the same thing I did to a motel nooner to my family's Christmas party... Ho Hoety Ho bitches
He really only has clothes, like 4 boogie boards, and a bong here.
New Serial podcast is out. We can listen to it tonight instead of having sex.
Help me help you realize you are a moron
I accidently sent a dick pic to the group chat with her family. Right after they all said it was a pleasure having me for dinner. Wana drink with me?
There is a woman in the stall next to me giving a pep talk to her daughter that wants to call off her wedding. I'm afraid to pee!
She picked a quarter off the floor, kissed it "for luck" and won the $20,000 jackpot. She bought dinner and stayed sober to drive us home. This is a typical example of a visit with my sister.
Randomize
