Met some locals. They are taking me to a place where there is topless bullriding. I love this country.
I cant believe Lindsay Lohan feels like this every day
I feel like I should limit myself to one meal prepared from a box per day
Just got a birthday card from Camel. How am I supposed to stop smoking when they care?
It's like, I'm the official vagina for that DJ group
You have to come over we all bought drinking hats. Mine has a turtle on it. Side note: somehow someone got their hands on 50 candied apples and we need to eat them...
He's covered in dirt and enchiladas. We're going drinking now.
i think i have weasels eating my brain. Also there is a skeleton staring at me from the back of the bathroom door. it's an awkward vomit. come find me please
I'm an EMT, not a miracle worker. No, I can't fix your sprained dick.
Bartender at the wedding asked if he was making my drinks too strong. I laughed at him.
I thought my life was going to shit but then I read about Amanda Bynes and I realize it's not so bad
I like the fact that you've for some reason taken my penis into protective custody
I'm starting to think that birthday sex is just an urban legend. Like the boogey man, and woman orgasms.
I never thought I would have to put a band-aid on my penis.
I didn't want to shower, so I shaved my legs in the pool . That drunk .
Randomize
