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ok, stay where you are, be there soon
Made out with me girlfriend while she was peeing. all time high, or all time low?
Dude...disintegrating condoms. Think about it. For all the guys that wanna go raw dog but their girls won't let them, and for the girls that wanna get pregnant but their guys don't want a kid. What do you think?
I think you've been hitting the soco too hard again.
I threw up sweet potatoes. Worst thing to throw up ever. They came back mashed.
Hi, this is a test of the morning after apology broadcast system. If you're receiving this pre-recorded message there is a high probability I was a dickwad to you in the past 24 hours. You have my utmost and sincere apologies. Also if you have my wallet, house key, left converse, or lighter, give them/it back
When a girl says " I never would have come over if I knew I was getting kicked out at 7am." the correct response isn't "but think of how responsible you're being."
Oh just chilling alone with a stranger baby while everyone else clambakes the bathroom. Probation is the reason there is bad things in the world.
PS- I just ordered a two man zebra costume. Would you like to be my back end?
Just out of curiosity. Did you wait until my fb picture was well liked by others before liking it so people won't know we're fucking?
First sex of the summer I'm winning 1-0
GET HOME NOW
Oh shit
He sat down, pointed at my Converse and said "I have the same shoes." I thought "I'm going to have sex with you by the end of the night."
I woke up on his couch and my bra was flung across the floor and filled with animal crackers
I was so hungover at work I had my shirt on backwards. I had no idea how I managed to get through today puke free.
I can't possibly be the only person who has ever eaten Cheetos with a spoon to avoid the powder getting in my fingers
one nice thing about being home: no walks of shame, just drives of shame
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