I thought she had blonde hair
No, Gonorrhea actually
Im so sleepy and hes snoring super loud! i just wanna suffocate him, sleep, and deal with the body when I wake up
i woke up, turned over, and noticed an assortment of knives stuck in my wall. i should prob stop drinking
Hey I never found my wallet but i did find a bag of 14 soft taco supremes
I have your wallet. Trade you for the tacos.
you finished all 5 burgers, started crying tears of joy, and then claimed the tears were actually just 'meat sweats' from your eyes
The little penguins are speaking with a hispanic accent. I dont know how to feel about it. Geographically speaking, this cant be possibly. This isnt cool.
Chances are I'll be there for your wedding. Camelbaks filled with jack and coke are appropriate attire, right?
Our funnel is on top of our neighbors roof.
You pretended to pelvic thrust my mother on the boat while my 92 year old grandmother looked on. Thanks.
Seriously. Come back. I've had two beers for breakfast so far. The third will be for lunch since it's already 12.
My Captain America poster fell down. Cap is disappointed in my life decisions.
The stripper was dressed as the green lantern. Even for a geeky girls' bachelorette party it was lame ass.
pizza hut and my weed lady just showed up at the same time. I feel 22 again.
He told me I had smoking hot areolas then he wins an executive of the year award. How does that even happen?
Today I saw someone riding a horse on the sidewalk by aldi when I went to walmart. Old town road was playing on the radio. It was perfect.
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