The worst part was when my mom got more drunk than anyone else and started doing the Time Warp.
birth control and beer are two of the most beautiful creations ever invented.
Can you bring me a pair of sunglasses to the bathroom please... Don't judge me.
In case you were wondering, transporting lube in a ziploc bag is just as bad of an idea as it sounds.
I can't find the keys to get out of my front door, there are random socks in my bicycle basket and I can see a plastic handle of cheap vodka sitting on my porch. oh, and my head just broke u with me.
I just can't promise there won't be a reason to hit you in the face with a dildo again in the future.
If I was gonna be at your campus for halloween weekend, I'd dress up as the masked horny fairy and give out condoms. I'm so thoughtful.
Uh, he still talks to you after you basically sexually harassed him using emojis?
After we finished having phone sex he proceeded to serenade me with Ave Maria. It was magical.
But of course I'm in. After all, what fun would the holidays be without trying to find the perfect gift to impress someone you've never met, but need the approval of??
It was great. Somehow, sleeping with her sister cured everything!
She walked into the kitchen, said 'we've come to this time of the party,' reached into the bowl of cold spaghetti and shoved a handful in her mouth.
Why is there a horse in the backyard?
I stayed at my gfs last night. This is all on you.
I am watching a girl dressed up as santa, full on fat suit, try to fight a six foot 200lb man. A reindeer threw beer on everyone. Shit is going down
Any chance he has an open marriage? That penis shouldn’t be wasted on one woman. It should be shared with all womankind, or at least me. I’m too good at sex to be deprived a penis that large
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