last night I thought his shirt said yale... but this morning it definitely says old navy.
I'm going to shit on something weird... I can't wait
The weather is perfect in Seattle right now. Warm enough for girls to not wear bras, but cold enough for me to see them nipping out in the shade.
My therapist thinks I shld paint u something to show u my appreciation 4 ur friendship. 1) she must think I'm rite on the brink of no friends 2) this is real
Let's be honest. I make up for my well below average sized penis with a great personality and a possibly successful future
He either works for the Irish Mob or I'm being Catfished
Just let me take your liver out and beat it with a meat tenderizer for you..
Do you congratulate someone for having bigger tits, or is that a no no?
Found the cure to anxiety attacks.
An orgasm
So my booty call knows your bf. Apparently they were in jail together
I accidentally told my mom I broke my drug nail this weekend
She's officially a Tinder poltergeist.
I just ate the lyft drivers bacon cheeseburger. Well fuck me this night escalated quickly.
She was so happy for me that she insisted I fuck her with my Bills jersey on. THAT ACCOMMODATING
And I broke things off with Justin last night. Except I texted him while he was asleep and then I was like well, that's probably not what he wants to wake up to, so I sent him a picture of the coconut I microwaved and caught on fire when I was really high one time.
Randomize
