I forgot i ate a salad for dinner, so while i was barfing in his toilet, i kept screaming "i ate leaves?? i cant believe you let me eat leaves!"
I swear to God, I saw my life flash between my legs.
similar to the time we made up the game of screaming at the top of our lungs any time a guy any of us slept with walked into the party. that went over SO well.
Ummm so I just found the baby pumpkin that was on my porch last night in Village Pizza this morning on their counter. The cashier said some drunk girl came in and told him it was a present.
if I die on the way please explain to my mother that I do not wear fishnets on a regular basis
I was riding her and she yelled "fuck me" then someone in the room next door yelled "you don't have to say it if youre doing it."
They let me close the tennis center alone. It's a 6-minute drive from 2 of my booty calls. Scratch tennis court bj off the bucket list.
What kind of gift says: "I love you because you're my mom & I'm obligated to, but I don't like you" ?
dude, you were feeling up her boob for 20 minutes in front of the guy she was hitting on because you and her had an argument over who had bigger boobs.
hey man, it was for science okay.
He is sitting on the foor in the soup aisle saying "to each their own soup"
The cops came, and I made friends with him. He wants me to babysit his kids.
I feel like a pile of chihuahua shit that got eaten by a Great Dane who puked it up and then set it on fire.
i dunno dude, he took his shirt off and is rubbing jello shots on himself. i think he's done
i thought the time we went to a party with no shoes on was bad, how about the time you left with no pants on?
I just tried to dye my pubic hair teal for her
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