Um....I woke up to a lipgloss covered bottle of Jack daniels in my arms..
You've kissed worse.
i have more money on itunes than i do in my bank account... college.
She was so adorably desperate I didn't have the heart to tell her I wasn't a lesbian. So now She's making waffles, may switch teams over this.
Just woke up next to our cab driver from last night. Please tell me this isn't happening.
come back what if one of your parents walks in and im just sitting here eating a cheesesteak without you
At what point lastnight did a lens fall out of my glasses and nobody tell me?
He sat on me and said I owed him $10, when I asked why he just said "lap dance"
I will expect an hourly check text to confirm you are alive and that you aren't dead in a ditch somewhere with a hobo dry humping your corpse
like are we talking 'quick beer' bad or 'break out the real vodka' bad
I better make out with at least 3 princesses and 4 animals this weekend.
She took all the bottles out of the shower caddy and replaced them with booze. I just made a shower Manhatten. Imma marry this one.
It's Valentine's Day, I figure for sure we'll have sex today, right? Wrong. I tried unsuccessfully for like an hour to get him to fuck me. Now he's asleep and I'm on my way to join the public library.
Being home for break is weird, just had a full convo with my dad about what I wanted for dinner, while a dildo was on top of me under my comforter
Married dude I had an affair with 10yrs ago was at table next to us at dinner last nite. My mom asked him to take a pic of us & then commented how cute he was as they left. Do I tell her he’s got a huge D too?
Relationship goals: we both wore red underwear tonight. Except he won’t know because my bra been off but it’s the thought that counts I guess.
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