I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
Sometimes your consistent use of proper punctuation makes me nervous D:
I'm in that akward stage between jailbait and cougar
Currently looking for a new liver on ebay. Struggle.
hey bro how do you do that fake vagina thing with the tp roll? im bored.
Thanks to this cookie, I have now eaten something other than skittles today.
As if me making pizza in a skillet wasn't enough proof that I was in no state to be cooking, this burn blister on my hand is
I just put on eyeliner and a diff shirt in case the pizza guy is cute. This is what my dating life has come to
we got kicked out of her coke dealer's house when we wouldn't stop quoting "a league of their own"
communist
Fuck you asshole. You cost me cheerleader pussy.
I would use the term shit faced but I'm too polite for that
The man was doing everything in his power to get away from his wife, including go into the gay club.
i now know why i keep getting pictures of poop. apparently someone put my number in a girls bathroom saying i am a poop lover.
you text any of them back? this is probably the most women you'll ever have texting you in your life. don't squander a good thing
Driving, getting head and talking to your boss on the phone is not a good combination. I nearly died
when you shit yourself on the way to school its time to give up and go home
Randomize
