How was dinner with ur grandparents?
I was really blazed and scared they'd catch me, so when they asked about my day I was concentrating really hard on not saying smoking that instead I honestly said "Well, I had sex on your pool table, Nana."
I had to put my glasses on last night to watch porn. SO getting lasik with my tax returns this year.
Apparently I'm the guy that didn't get the memo that Afliction and wifebeaters were the proper attire for tonight... so I'll just sit here alone in my sweatervest and be judged.
I save people's lives for a living, but I want to ruin his marriage.
I tried. Now my legs are bleeding and I cracked my head on the coffee table. Never taking your advice again.
Thank you for making it possible for me to get laid while having peace of mind my dog is well taken care of.
Sad Megan is Sad
Have you been drinking my beer?
Can we just focus for a minute on the fact that I HAD MY FIRST LESBIAN ENCOUNTER.
Right. How rude of me to inform you that you're going to be an aunt.
Come through the front door when you get here.
Right now I'm so wasted I can't determine whats a door and a window.
Had a turkey baster with clean pee in it in my pants to pass a drug test, and the bottom fell off, so yeah I'm pretty pissed.
I can't tell if you're talking about my pussy or Cape Cod.
It's a sexual break up. We maintain a friendship and leave any and all sexual attraction out. It's not hard, having a baby is harder than that.
Hey, don't blame me for the shitty evening; I wasn't the one who promised hookers, Dos Equis and foster kittens. Keith was.
you face planting the wall was epic
did you at least save my tooth
My father has a definite type: blonde, busty, 18-22. It was awkward when I was in college, but now I'm over it. I play wingman for him and he buys me expensive purses for the assistance in getting him hooked up with girls younger than me. Win-win.
Randomize
