hipster in red sally jessy raphael glasses inside. kick her.
don't read that magazine bro. I came in it
Remeber, hes got nothing better to offer you than drunk words and hairy balls.
Sometimes I wonder why.. Then I realize I can't fool myself with that question bc we all know it's bc of his enormous dick
Our whole friendship has just been time foreshadowing my dick in your mouth.
He didn't dress up but kept finding random pieces of costumes on the floor at each club. He was an 80s hair band warrior at the end of the night.
If you can get laid in a rudolph onesie you are doing something right my friend.
Well, I'm off to go seduce a gay man. In 10 years when I'm 300 pounds, sitting in a mumu surrounded by my 500 cats, remind me of this text. That way I can be like "ohhh THERE'S where I went wrong!!"
You went through my pantry and left one of everything in the box. One cracker. One cheesit. One piece of cereal. I really fucking hate you.
My night was too much. My morning is even more. Help. I need to teleport the fuck out of here.
And the night ended with some random dude pissing on a car in a vain attempt to find a proper bathroom. We, the drunk, salute you, sir!
No it was fine, I've just never seen that many people eat dog food
how did you set a fucking salad on fire????????
Double dirt bag award winner tonight. He picked me up in his wife's car.
My roommate taped his phone to the ceiling fan to simulate walking so he could hatch Pokémon. Lazy people will always find a way.
Randomize
