I want to poop on a bird, just to show them what it's like.
Everybody was literally kung fu fighting
Yeah i knew he wasn't okay when he told me he was "seeing his vision"
Apparently suggesting that she was the kind of girl who might be expected to kill someone's pets hurt her feelings...
I five year old is judging me because I just opened a bottle of Sam Adams with my teeth before 8am
I'm to the point that I've had the revelation that its physically impossible for my arms to be attached to my torso.
All I vaguely remember from last night is getting up on that nice mahogany table and debating about squirrel's rights
my drivers license is super glued to my shoulder and im to hung over to get it off come and help me
He started french braiding my hair while I was blowing him. The question is not why, but how.
bring the pregnancy test and the margarita mix, see you in 15
I found myself looking up beard accounts while masturbating, I guess that's what it's come to.
Sorry I called bc I needed help peeing outside
But I did it
So, Kevin dropping me off at urgent care. Seems my tampon slipped out of reach. Even after he tried to get it out with some kitchen tongs.
If you don't sing 'dust in the wind' at my funeral, I'll haunt you forever
One a scale of one to hella drunk, how gracefully can I make it down those stairs
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