So for his birthday I'm planning on doing what stripper did when she put the matches on her nipples..lights them n makes him blow them out..SEE I AM dating material.
Theyre still fighting about whether its called america or the united states.
Latest life lesson : don't accidentally send an "I nutted on her tramp stamp" text to your tattoo-less girlfriend. Oops.
All i remember was you crying naked on the bathroom floor because you were cold. I got you a blanket and you kept kicking it off and crying because you were still cold.
You should've come to the party. It was like an identity parade of everyone you screwed last year.
You have to keep an eye on her tonight cause you know how she likes to pickpocket people when she's drunk.
Get a piano. I want to have sex on it.
Me and the cabbie are stopping on the way at a sit down restaurant to eat. My life is so sad.
I think I may have some undocumented and undiscovered std that causes girls to go bat shit crazy. How you got it is beyond me
Wake your sexy ass up. It's donut time.
Agree to hang out with him and then take a gigantic shit right on him. Or if youve forgiven him for being a fucker maybe make out with him.
He must've been a bear in a previous life. My nipple is bleeding. Shit's sensitive.
You would think a husband, a boyfriend, and a vibrator would be enough. But sadly it's not
It tasted better than Jesus's hair.
You're a disaster
Wanna date?
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