I will show your tits more attention than Michael Jackson's death.
I caved and texted him. But it's strictly drug dealing business so it doesn't count.
please remind me not to sleep with group members until after finals week.
I have a huge bruise on my thigh that I am 95% sure is due to you repeatedly throwing me over couches.
Oh my god, I totally forgot we call your penis "Godzilla's Tail".
ARE YOU THINKING VAGINA THEMED RESTAURANT
I just got into the cab. It smells like weed and the driver looks like someone who may or may not be really talented at playing the saxophone. He also asked me my thoughts on porn when I told him I'm an actor. I might not make it home.
Trying to ignore the fact that a kid I hooked up with twice just gave me spare keys to his house ... and car.
you were holding her above your head singing Circle of Life in what i assume was a Simba reference. then she smacked her head on a bar light and the bouncers kicked you out
If you kill yourself you won't get to feel that feeling when you have a good shit in the morning. Arent you gonna miss that?
Also a shrinking boner emoji would be helpful
I think I heard my penis growl. Wanna do lunch?
Hahahaha. He sent me a dick snap in the lululemon stockroom. What is life. If this works out, this could benefit everyone....
I swear I'm going to walk in one day with you in a ballgag just masturbating feverishly
Well i can't stand the sound of my own crying
Remember when I was real fucked up and said I would give up utensils and only use chopsticks for lent?...just got the reminder on my phone.
Randomize
