Food network will be on but we won't be watching
O by "watching" I mean "background noise"
Thank God for loud music. There is a circus in my butt right now.
Went home with a 29 year old from the bar. Life lesson: 9 year olds stay up late sometimes
he ate 15 dinner rolls and nothing else. then took a shit in the bathroom came out and blamed it on his dad. i wish i was 8.
She tried catching cigarette ashes on her tongue like snowflakes.
He woke up, got my bottle of water and poured it on me and then went back to sleep. Not really how I want to wake up at 2 a.m.
i probably shouldve stopped when i uncurled the curly straw in my cocktail because it was slowing me down
Im surprised putting the throwing knife "dartboard" next to the door didnt end up worse
Don't linger or you will get sucked into spending the night. Remember the mission mantra: GET OFF
My housemates are judging me because I'm high at 8am and making Spongebob shaped Mac and Cheese
They know nothing, John Stoned.
you weren't there so I had to flirt with him on your behalf
I woke up the whole house screaming I need my shorts they found me in the kitchen with a bag of strawberries naked
If you need me I'll be getting drunk in a chewbacca onsie like a real adult.
Why did u text me "I want to get drunk and go to pizza hut tomorrow. don't let me forget." at 3am??
That text was pretty fucking self-explanatory, man.
He expects a blow job at the movies but won’t pay for popcorn? Does he know it’s not 2017 anymore
Randomize
