I have so many mobile devices now, I only use my laptop for porn.
My spanish teacher discovered you can watch spanish music videos on youtube. Guess what were doing in class today? Michael Scott Spanish 101
I bought my dad an absinthe brewing kit for christmas.. looks like tripping with my dad is in my near future.
you told the cop you blew a .08 because you ate poppy seeds
Drunk. Just jacked off for the third time in an hour. I love not being Catholic anymore.
drunk pissing on my closed toilet lid is actually quite a sobering experience
woke up with the bag of wine duct taped to my shoulder.
it was either a really good one night stand or a really really good first date. thank you online dating
Trying to low-key throw up in the ocean is harder than it seems.
He threw up the X he took like 30min before then when we thought his antics were over... BOOM! He tried to pee out a light he was holding.
I'm sitting in front of a fan naked drinking Gatorade. Motherfucking hangover probs
Court can wait. right now you and your magic penis need to be here satisfying me.
You are like the only girl I know who tells their booty call to go find another girl just cause you want more sleep.
I just fully woke up, never smoking that much weed again. I had stress dreams about your house being surrounded by a lake and we kept losing our cars in it.
I have to choose between charging my phone or my vibrator. This is bullshit.
Randomize
