if socks could get pregnant i would have catholic amounts of kids
you dont seem to understand my overwhelming need to watch space jam right now
do you remember wearing her cheetah rainboots and making bacon shirtless?
She just asked me if I was going to kiss her cat goodby too... This is why we don't stay till last call.
He was singing "i gotta feeling" under his breath as i was pulling my top off.
Thank you as well. My penis is starting a slow-clap right now.
No, i went to get it done but the guy couldnt find it. exhibit A of why i wanted a clit piercing in the first place.
Fuck you, jack daniels. I feel like satan laid an egg in my brain.
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
You know you have crossed to the dark side of marriage when a nap is more important than jacking off
It was disgusting, and I would've rather licked the condensation off the windows instead, but I figured that's wasn't very ladylike
Can vaginas get frostbite?
you said something about joining a k-pop band before passing out topless on the trampoline.
One lone grasshopper in the whataburger bathroom. Don't know how it got there. Scared the fuck out of me. Also puked over the side of the silverado fence. The horses looked disappointed. Animal magnetism is beautiful. You taught me well. I love you.
I’m literally naked drinking a beer and I gotta leave in 6 minutes for work lol
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