you know you've been in a long relationship when u start retiring sex toys
I am about to be in my happy place. (the shower with a 6 pack)
I'm like a wolly mammoth down there. what do I tell him?
I wish Facebook had filters like: Ivy League school, frat boy, straight, extremely wealthy, great in bed.. I would check all of them
Yes someone did see you carrying a beer bong on the side of coastal highway
you spent 5 minutes trying to open an empty PBR and kept saying "don't worry i'll get it i've been working out"
Too lazy to make dinner. Had chocolate and scotch instead. Check in with me in a half hour.
He stumbled out of the bar bathroom at 3:30 am with his jeans unzipped and his dick hanging out - it was the physical manifestation of "blackout with your cock out"
That awesome feeling when you are pooping on the same toilet that nobel laureates have pooped on
So some drunk guy just tried to convince me with all of his passion that bacon is a color
THE AUSTRALIAN IS SINGLE AS FUCK.
He wants me to fart in his mouth and is offering me SOOOO much coke. I'm stuck between a rock and a hard place. GIVE ME ADVICE.
No one can explain why there is Dora the Explorer shampoo in my shower...
Well I told him I’ve got the flu....he said he’d wear a condom
Why yes, I DID want cramps for Christmas, how did you know God?
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