no guy is ever going to take you seriously as a potential marriage prospect unless you learn to swallow
you know, even black out drunk I can always remember the exact point where I should have stopped drinking.
hey, haven't seen your testicles in a while...you 3 still alive?
Walked in on my boss having phone sex at work... and somehow this didnt bother nor embaress him
On the bright side his mom approves of me. Though it's apparently because she sleeps with married men and has a soft spot for "fellow homewreckers"
Im gonna wear a random assortment of things for Halloween, guy with the most creative answer gets laid
The forecast for tonight is alcohol and low expectations.
You're the only meteorologist I listen to.
I'm still drunk. I put on workout clothes this morning and just puked in my bathroom. That's the same as going to the gym, right?
There's a ton of international students in my suite and I'm just sitting in this chair with no pants on eating frosted flakes
I cried over the lack of milkshakes I've consumed in the last month
I really feel like I should slow down on the getting hammered. I told a bartender on "Taco Tuesday" that a $3 margarita was too expensive. And proceeded to have a $70 tab.
Me: 10% human, 90% poor drunken life choices.
I was wondering why are people staring at me til I realized I was bra-less with a lei around my neck
Well you were listening to music and having sex really loudly. How was I supposed to know you'd hear me making rocket sounds?
strip teases shouldnt end with an expensive car covered in salsa and mayonnaise yet here we are
Randomize
