3am cut off hipster s***'s afro on porch. Opened champagne. Felt like delilah cutting off samson's hair. Then shower & anal. So I guess his powers are intact.
Is there a "Plan B" app for my iphone?
Yeah, but thats the third time she's peed on me.
Talking to this girl is like playing minesweeper on hard. There's red flags everywhere.
Sometimes I wonder why I hang out with you. And then you show up half naked at my door with a half gal of vodka, and I remember why.
I need $500 dollars more than I need a night of dignity... I gonna do it.
Well the nurse forgot to take all my stitches out, so my surgical tools are peroxide, kitchen scissors, fingernail clippers, a pocket knife, and 11 beers. Let's do this...
I'm not sure that our 12-years-ago-high-school-"relationship," and 179 texts in the last 4 hours is gonna be enough to squeeze a naked smartphone picture of me. I'm gonna need some chicken wings or Makers Mark before that starts happening.
By the time the opening band finished, she was already slurring, coming on to the gay couple next to us, and waving her panties in the air.
The last thing I remember is him yelling from across the room "WE FINISHED THE HANDLE!"
It was 11pm.
Just scratched my head and I basically rained glitter.
I accidentally sent a snap of my puss with the Republican filter... Totally killed his boner
He was passed out, face in the toilet, so I just pissed on his head. Serves him right
For a second I thought he was going to give me an intervention
You can't give interventions in a bar!
Leave it to my mom and I to turn the hearing into a drinking game.
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