I've decided to film a documentary centered around how he manages to keep that beast caged in such tight pants
Do you think unemployment will give me a christmas bonus?
Sorry about bonging beers with your mom but in all fairness you were late...
All the girls at the party had American flag thongs on... Pretty impressed with coordination seeing as how impromptu this event was
Aj and I already plan to tape our thumbs to our palms so we know how it feels to be a t-rex.
I'm soaked in champagne. I'm eating oatmeal from mcdonalds tonight was glorious
Please save me from this creative non fiction class. I just wrote a paper about how I spend unhealthy amounts of time with my cat.
I spend unhealthy amounts of time watching RuPaul's Drag Race.
I referred to the cat as amicable.
I only see on penis in this picture but I assume there is another lurking out of sight.
Once again I am on the toilet and refuse to get up
What a great time to reflect on life
Had sex with one of the guys from Ireland. Celebrating st pattys early.
I see your creepy poodle photo and raise you a shirtless elderly gentleman who looks like a yetti in cutoffs who may or may not have an ENORMOUS erection.
.... touche....
And my cousin was so drunk he called an uber and instead he got into a cop car and they took him to the hospital
He wore the same cologne as my orthodontist so all I could think about was how I hadn't worn my retainer in months
I know it sounds cheesy, but i think both me and her mum know they are "thanks for being so cool about finding nudes of your daughter on the camera" flowers
At a bar in the city and the whole place starting singing “Happy Birthday” to someone. Everyone but me. The person next to me leaned over and said, “Why didn’t you sing along?!?” I responded, “I don’t know him. I don’t give a shit if he has a happy birthday.”
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