cannot fit in my clothes. too depressed to drink.
if you drink enough to puke, it's like a weight loss plan.
I told him I would sleep with him if he could name all the colors of the wind.
Every now and then I'll talk to a creeper for an extended amount of time. Randy, for instance, funded our entire night of horrible decisions.
My gaydar just like overheated and exploded watching the male figure skaters on the olympics
That glade motion activator thing keeps going off every time we pass the bong. I don't know what I'm getting high off right now.
I'm currently witnessing my drunk neighbor attempting to fold laundry on his front lawn. I think he's trying to spell out HELP.
I thought you were single?
I am. But thats cuz no one wants to marry shame and regret doused in tequila. But thanks for reminding me ya dick.
It's like you're the one guy who got the "girls have clits" memo.
Also, no joke, I think that raccoon hair is still in my eye from last night.
He offered to take my unemployed self out for drinks, but I really just want him to buy me the Beyoncé album
I found it. now I'm going to the gym to be "healthy" or whatever that folklore is called.
Didn't know where your dishes went. Put em in the bathtub. They're stacked taller than you. It's like modern art.
He asked when the last time I had sex was. I had to look at the clock and respond "12 hours ago"
he asked me why I let you steal the gnome, and you jumped out of the bathroom, yelled "you know why!" and ran outside with said gnome
Yes, the maid of honor did just deep throat the mic during the toast. How do I follow that?
Randomize
