I just saw a woman point to her daughter and scream at her husband THIS IS YOUR GENES, THIS IS YOU.
Dude I'm drinking a martini out of a water bottle, I've become my parents.
I think I'm making progress on my commitment issues. I drunk made out with the same guy from last semester this weekend.
She's like the Michael Jordan of alcoholism
Potato salad is not cupcake ingredient
He came in both my eyes, then refused to give me a towel unless I found him by playing Marco Polo
Just spent 15 minutes trying to save the life of a fruit fly that dive-bombed my coffee. I figured it doesn't make sense to let two souls die in this place...
Is it wrong I want to seduce my ex to prove the point to his current gf he's an ass?
We are finally out of the honeymoon stage of the relationship because it turns out that you can't come back from peeing on me in your sleep.
Waking up with cheese all over my clothes and my vibrator in my pants is a sign we drank way too much tequila last night
Listen, if I miss the flight to Vegas because she's still rimming my ass, it will have been worth it.
Xanax and full house Tuesday is now Percocet Sunday
if jesus wore shoes made out of pure flavor and hurricane kicked u in the face thats how it feels to eat pizza bites right now
5 am booty call not ok. The fact I actually went over definitely not ok. My vag needs to learn some control.
Just when I thought we may have our first low-key night together, I sang an Aladdin karaoke song to a bunch of roller derby girls, you took shots with married women, and we both fell asleep in our offices.
Randomize
