my boobs are a 3G dead zone. as soon as i take my phone out of my bra, it has a signal again.
It just hit me that i made out with someone's mom last night
Almost peed between 2 cars...till I realized that it's daytime and I'm sober.
nah i think i'm gonna take my landlord's kids trick-or-treating instead. apparently the houses around here hand out wine to the adults and candy to the kids.
Aaaand I cut your bangs with a large knife last night ...
Trying to figure out if the guy I'm with right now is the same guy I met spring break
Oh duude it is the guy from spring break! Awk.
like are we talking 'quick beer' bad or 'break out the real vodka' bad
Just licked cheese from my hot pocket off my phone. I spilled because I was eating a Popsicle at the same time. Send an adult please
If you bet guys that you can drink them under the table they will pay for your drinks all night until they pass out. I have this down to a science that I think even my dad would appreciate.
You were trust falling into bushes
You peed in a public fountain and then felt bad so you put dish soap in it; 4 ft tall bubbles.
Your parents are gone and we haven't fucked in their bed... why?
He is married, and has a regrettably large penis. I need to find another one right away to get myself out of this mess.
How big does a penis have to be before it becomes regrettably so?
Saw a sign that said the chorus of never gonna give you up was enough time to wash your hands. Coronavirus has Rick rolled me.
I don’t know what language he speaks but I know my boobs will translate just fine
I’m looking forward to few days of international relations
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