the guy at the pet shop just had an eye seizure while looking at my chest
Why am I getting the stink eye from these people? They're acting like BYOB isn't kosher in a laundromat.
I had one margarita and got the worst headache of my life... its like my liver has senior week ptsd
The size of her vagina has nothing to do with the size of her heart bro
in the event i get tipsy, my nipples are your responsibility
It's taken me 5 years and 2 beers to finally realize that maybe he isn't the dude for me. Also, that picking your major should be done sober, lest you find your self an art major.
you told the cab driver to stop being such a pussy because he wouldn't let you shotgun a beer in the backseat
I feel like I should have backed off when "I love you" came out on the third date. Now I'm in her bed wondering which door my shrine is behind. Fuck.
It was his birthday and he drunkenly offered me Portillo's and diamonds in exchange for a snap chat of my boobs. Even sober it seemed like a good idea at 3 in the morning.
The struggle bus crashed, rolled down a mountain, and went on fire, and I was on it ugh.
Would you still love me if my nipple fell off?
Tomorrow I need you to slap me in the face. I'll explain then
Did I try to sell your body for chicken tenders last night?
WHEN THE HELL DOES ANYTHING IN OUR LIVES *EVER* GO AS PLANNED???
don't let your emotions get tangled in that sexy beard of his.
Randomize
