Last night i stole a disco ball from a frat house by pretending i was pregnant.
New boss looks like john cusack in a collar. Hot. Why do i always want to have sex with priests?
Dibs on passing out in front of the toilet.
i just woke up at 8pm naked in my bed, with a fresh haircut. I wonder what barber i went to.
theres so much semen in my vacuum cleaner...
I don't think I have ever puked up that much free breakfast in my life...thank god for Nickle Beers.
We did a shot for each one. Father... son... and holy ghost. That wasn't enough though so we moved on to toasting dead relatives.
Ok, Jen and I are going out tonight and getting rowdy. I think you and Steph need to come. I understand if you can't, but not going out means you're automatically obligated to post bail. If necessary.
There's a homeless man outside the bar. I have a toothbrush and toothpaste in my car. I think i'm going to give them to him. And they said drinking is bad.
You're so thoughtful.
Nothing says I'll be 22 tomorrow like washing the vomit out of your hair at 4pm
in other news, i feel like i just shat out all my sins.
You were ¾ of the way through the first pitcher of margaritas then you turned to me and said "Wow I can barely taste the vodka!" And then…….
...Then...
Then I told you margaritas are made with tequila not vodka. You whipped the pitcher at the wall and ordered another one
I brought those bastards cookies so they can deal with my sex noise, fuck them and their roommate asses
he sent a dick pic to my best friends phone for me cause mine died lol pretty sure he was regretting that night outta town.
My boyfriend's mom is the manager of Wendy's. The same one I took a pregnancy test in.
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