theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
Don't really want to talk about it. You were right. She had a whole jar of toenail clippings on her nightstand that she chews on "when her fingernails are too short." Direct quote.
Hey, could you leave the door unlocked? Keys seem hard right now.
it's been a while because I don't count the hooker
I called her new haircut "lesbian progressive" and now she's upset
Just so everyone's clear, it was already on fire when I got there.
No He hasn't done that since the time he came in his own eye
My roommate has gone Christmas crazy. It looks like Jack Frost came all over my living room. Wanna come fuck me in the fake snow by the fireplace?
Just a heads up... Don't get high and attempt to do your own taxes
The only people allowed to make me cry are myself and Chris Hemsworth as Thor. And me.
Just an fyi, you also tried to wrangle a peacock last night.
Just had a threesome for the second time in my life. I don;t even enjoy threesomes. Too much effort.
HOW DO THESE THINGS KEEP HAPPENING TO YOU?
Dude what happened last night?
I don't know, I'm still trying to figure out how I got my clothes back on.
Tonight I totally got eaten out in the old school photo booth in the mall. Will send you pics of the photo reel asap
Unless my dick prospects improve this year’s Halloween costume will include panties with “DTF” written on them and a push up bra
Randomize
