those girls across the street saw me hanging my towel off of my penis...they're coming over later
I'm so drunk that I ordered a root beer at the bar. Whoops?
Why I am the classiest girl you know: just mixed drinks for everyone on the baby changing station at the movie theater.
I like waking up with a slight hangover cause I'm dehydrated and it makes me feel thinner.
Dude, we somehow need to leave discretely with the toilet brush.
Two things. 1 - I want to apologize for my drunkeness last night. 2 - I want to pre-apologize for my anticipated drunkeness tonight.
I've decided I'm either going to ease him into this breakup by having a threesome with him and the girl I'm leaving him for, or be brutal and fuck his room mate. it depends how nice he is tonight.
The plan is that you eat an edible first, then pressure your dad to do one. You know you are down.
I am in a hotel room with 10 people. John is in bed eating an industrial sized pan of mashed potatoes. I think a non insignificant number of people saw my nipples.
I promised him we could have sex if he would let me take him to the hospital to get stitches.
These girls just walked into this party as reverse cowgirls... Wearing cowboy clothes all backwards
So last night I turned down multiple drinks because "I didn't want to hold them". It's time reevaluate my decisions
He made me tacos after the sex. Best date ever!
Also fucking you night and morning and then serving your parents breakfast is a bit awkward. And funny. To me.
It's all fun and games until your mom recognizes your bootycall from 2018 as her attorney
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