My morning has consisted of lying in a fetal position, eating a whole tub of ben and jerry's, talking to my cat, and setting all of our pictures on fire. Does that answer your question?
some guy just asked me if water gets in a vag when girls take a bath. WTF. it's not a wind tunnel!
I wonder what it would be like to go to the dry cleaners and not have to inform them that all my clothes are stained with booze.
Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
I was looking at your puke while I was peeing in it the next morning and that ceasar salad did not treat you well
Now I have the walk of shame to give the receptionist the bathroom key back, I've had it for 20 minutes. I should just smile and wink. She knows what went down.
Also, sorry about chilling in just the towel last night. You know I have ADD and somehow even after looking at you, I forgot I'm not the only person living there right now
it's not that I hate people, I just want to rip most of their faces off.
People were wondering why I started hanging out with him after high school, the simple answer is now that I don't see his dorky ness everyday I can just focus on his amazing penis.
The bachelor party was supposed to stay local but I think were in mexico.
anyone can pick a bar fight and pick up a waitress at a bar, not everyone hangout with two wolves. TWO WOLVES.
Hey beautiful no judgement but why is there a bucket of KFC chicken in the bathtub??
A girl in McDonalds just asked if I was in here wasted a few nights ago throwing fries at the staff, I said it was my twin
We both know that wasn't me
let me wake up, find my pants, and find out where i am tommorow and ill get back to you on that
I'm drunk and don't know where I am. There's a giant metal penguin if that helps.
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