He literally didn't stop until I lost count of how many times he made me orgasm. It took three hours.
I was desperate so I downed my birth control with balsamic vinaigrette...
This is the way my sobriety ends: Not with a bang, but with a whimper.
I've never seen a homeless man jog to get off the bus and then run to his panhandling spot because he's "late for work," but you see something new every day.
Pretty sure the girl next to me in Chipotle just came out to her mom.
Too lazy to make dinner. Had chocolate and scotch instead. Check in with me in a half hour.
You should imdb "mourning wood" to see what I'm doing with my $80,000 English degree today
No joke, I just found $85 on the ground. Must be because I bought you all that liquor. So much good karma.
By the way anyone who is willing to be in the film while tripping gets free shrooms.
In related news... Actually, nope. I don't have any orgy-related news. You win.
Can I borrow your google glasses to make a sex tape?
You came out of your room naked under your open robe with a mouth full of brownie on a stick and grabbed a fistful of fruit loops and shoved them into your already full mouth.
See, this is why we give you shit. Ashley gets her car cleaned out, I get multiple enchiladas made, and you get cum in your eye.
Welcome to my Tuesday when my lesbian ex girlfriend shows up unexpectedly and gets me drunk and then leaves
THIS MOTHERFUCKING ROOSTER
IT KEEPS CHASING ME BACK IN THE HOUSE
FUCK THIS BIRD
Randomize
